we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
