I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
