I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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