woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
