tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
