dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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