And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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