my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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