so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
