Just fell off a train. Bad.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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