living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
