I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize