i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
