I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
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All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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