my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Green mimosas i think yes
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
