david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
