So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
