i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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