I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
