I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
