it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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