tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
