Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
