This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
