Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
