he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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