Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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