Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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