Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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