remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
