we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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