oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
whose ass print is on the piano?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
