Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
