I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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