I've blown a few things in my day
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
