She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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