He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
