I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The power of my boobs compel you
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
