got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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