I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I want to fling myself into the sun
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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