I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
