Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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