At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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