I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
