My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
