Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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