I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You ruined the universe
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
