Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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