i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
