she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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