Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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