i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
