I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
