I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
