it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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