another moral hangover. fuck.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
