you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
