Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
