I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
