Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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