Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
