i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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